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|Friday, December 31st, 2004|
|twisted alphabet and new years
*entry removed....cuz well, it was rambling, and it didnt ever conclude...you know like most french movies* (cept the journal entry had more tits and ass......i swear) Current Mood: artistic
|Wednesday, November 17th, 2004|
|computer generated muffin crumbs
hmm, i think ill change my profile name and end this sad little journal start something new...more rattling doomy things......not right now of course i must ponder it...but ponder it i will, so pondered it will be pondering in its puddle of ponder......but yes, okay lets see updates..........uh........computer broke........................a girl seems to never leave my apartment...............................
....i think i sneeze and lost conciousness for a while.................................uh and my eye is burning at the moment. fuck that was too little to do since i last updated, i need to get in more trouble, or lie more.....
|Tuesday, August 24th, 2004|
|no hands, no fingers, just stumps
yay, happy birthday too me....yes i know as sick ploy for attention, gotta love it from me huh? now you can shower me with love and presents. Current Mood: bouncy
|Wednesday, August 18th, 2004|
whee, i should sleep....i think i need it, but yet i am such a rebel wooooooT. okay enough of that, uhm i guess its updating time now isnt it? lets see what has happened.....uhm hehee, shh its a secret.....such adventures...all with bad bad bad old men in radiators. so anyways, im drawing a blank on my update so you all should feel badly, but pretend its really amazing and interesting. oOOOohahoOOo the kitty cat is spinning...like the tail is new....okay so point is i dont get enough sleep, acquaintences and friends multiply by five in two weeks time...its a very strange transitional period, could be good could be bad, im always walking that thin line, its weird to be semi involved with people who take things so slow....by nature i want to rush smash and burn it all, im goood like that. but its nice, its very amazing to actually know people...to find people who inspire me and push me, rather than detract from me and try to cripple who i am. maybe no one really has known who i am for years, ive been in a cocoon, and im slithering out now, its such a difficult transition at times...like my history says do this or do that, but current reality finds me in completely different situations...i cant say its been a bad thing, meeting really amazing people, people who im constantly in awe of...but yeah sure theres a few bumps along the road, but instead of letting them linger for weeks or months or in some cases years, they are quickly detached and left to die..............hmm wow it is updating imagine that? so yes the b0t is back and hes become self aware...its a scary thought isnt it.....but all in all i just have to thank two people...talking to you that nite, and just getting all of it out and asking for direction really isnt who i am but the advice you gave me, it really prompted a different person to come out of that conversation...its like someone taking you and shaking you, saying what the fuck have you been doing, this isnt you, your the fucking b0t people adore you, you are all that everyone could wish to be (well not exactly like that but im being flowery to make myself seem really rad) basically, it just made me realise i dont have to settle i dont have to be unhappy, i can be happy just going in my own direction, in my own skin, and people will love me for that...and its true, im amazed every day just how different interactions are, and how amazing the world is now....good lord im becoming an annoying little asshole who talks about butterflies...well not that far but maybe some worms in the garden. im sure in a few weeks ill be back to whining and bitching and moaning so dont worry you will ahve you prickish angry pissy kid back soon enough, but for now, im in heaven, and you know its kinda pretty, comfy clouds, and the wings are a plus. so my faithful readers, im back im better than ever ive been retooled and im all polished and ready for the next transformation, over is the past , all that is left is the phuture....death rays set on the ones i want...beware b0t with confidence is a scary combination i think you all will agree. Current Mood: quixotic
|Tuesday, July 27th, 2004|
Runnng head on
to things that knock me down
you picked me off the ground
when I wasn't strong enough to fight
but in your arms tonight
hold me close and tight
in your arms tonight
in your arms tonight
in your arms tonight
oh my love
God only knows
why I don't just retreat, instead of riding the rails
back to the place of my worst defeat
cause I'm not fooling anyone
not quite convincing you
but in your arms tonight
Try not to be strong
cry 'til it's all gone
if you hold me tight
in your arms tonight
oh my love
the years you've seen in me
the one who'd be there for you
the way I need you here tonight.......
in your arms tonight
in your arms tonight
in your arms tonight
ohh... in your arms tonight
all my love
|Saturday, July 24th, 2004|
|the end of it all
well earlier tonite i got the confirmation that my girlfriend was now my ex girlfriend. normally i would be enormously sad about this, and in ways i really do feel sad, because i really did and still do love her, she taught me a lot, and i know i can be difficult but i really was trying to accept the difference and be a good guy. i said that normally id be sad, its just i feel almost amused, because it was apparently some elaborate ruse, she had been doing some other guy, or whatever, and ragging on me to everyone she knows, about the way i look, who i am, what i do etc. but its like she was the one dating me, she was the one spending time with me...and its like if im so pathetic and gross, doesnt that just reflect back on her that she was with me? it makes me mad too, because i never really expected this person to come out, this mocking mean, hateful person, who is trying to do anything to hurt me, and i guess because she is trying so hard, saying shes engaged now or saying shes with someone else, saying im gross, im pathetic, is going to hurt me, but its like i wish her the best, i know that if thats who she wants to be, im better without that. granted last nite i did broach the subject of ending our relationship...the drinking had become so out of control, an everyday thing...i just felt i couldnt honestly deal with it. thinking back i wish i could have changed some of my wording, because they were harsh, but i said, i do love you and hope we can work through this...now comes the part i hate, the money issue, i dont care about all the clothes or shoes or plane tickets or whatever ive bought her, its just that you know she asks me to pay her bills for her cuz she doesnt have the cash on her, and i say okay, i know your strapped for cash but i will need it eventually, and she smiles says she will send a check the next day...but then nothing, i dont really push it because i know she isnt loaded with money, but i mean common decency is that you at least try and pay back something, or at least not be a little shit about it. i try and talk about it, say you know i know your strapped for cash, lets work out something where you can pay it back in installments or whatever, and she wont even respond to me, its just like what have i done? i mean i never smacked her, trashed her to my friends, any of that, we break up i dont call a billion times trying to get her back, even though im never given an explaination at all, just she doesnt call one day and disappears. it just makes me mad, i mean i continually try and work things out so they dont turn into drama, and its a slap in the face. i never thought she was like this, its just sad, i really do hope she finds happiness, because she isnt well, shes always hiding, hoping to run from every problem every situation...i hoped that i could be there for her, but that isnt going to work either. and im sure she will read this or her friends will and rag on me some more, and hell thats just fine, for someone being so much younger than them, i have done everything with respect and never tried to be some asshole and name caller....i really do hope all of them make themselves happy.
all in all im so glad i went through this relationship, i really needed it, yes i wish things would have been different and we could have been something more, but its like it taught me so much, just how deceptive people can be...how just gross the human nature can truly be. yes im sad, yes i probably will hide in bed for days, wishing this is all a bad dream, but underlying all that, i know i did the right things, i always tried to be the best person i could for her, and although i would say things i dont mean, i would always be quick to apologize and try and make it better. thats something she will never have, she may smile and be happy to ditch me, but one day, maybe not today, or this week, or this month, but one day she is going to sit in bed and look up and go jesus i really fucked up, even if she didnt want to be with me, i didnt deserve the treatment i received and for that its something i can never forgive or overlook. long after we both have moved on, i hope she always know i love her more than anything, but also despise her for how she treated me tonite, and i hope it rips her up inside, because thats something she can never run from, the scum she is deep inside....
never trust a pretty face, i know this is long and no one is even reading anymore, this is catharsis...i just am so proud of who i am, this break up has shown me just how much ive grown, how i can pull away, detach emotionally, and just look at it for what it is, some girl who used me for money and thats about it...and really it would have hurt more for her to tell me she loves me but she just cant do it anymore, and been sincere, this way, it just cements her memory in my mind, everytime i hear her name, i will think back to this nite, this person, these actions, and nothing can crack that image now.
to anyone still reading, i hope you find that special person in your life, its an amazing feeling to have someone look at you and genuinely love you...even if mine was fleeting, it felt wonderful, and whenever i get over this girl, i will smile and be looking again, because if anything this experience has made me even more sure that i will find that special person, that love is something real and something to want to have in your life.
to the girl if you read this: i hope you honestly are happy, im sorry i couldnt make you happy. i apologize for saying things the other nite i honestly shouldnt have said, but i came to the realisation i just was not the person you wanted, or could be with. you really are an amazing girl, and i really was in love with you and will remain to be for a long time. and i hope you dont settle, you push your art, and who you can be, you can be more than you give yourself credit for, im glad i provided you and your friends with amusement and shit to make fun of, and you can put up that face for them, but me and you both know, it wasnt like that, and when you were with me, it was love, and you were in love with me and still are, despite what you will throw down my throat and trick yourself into. we both know you arent going to marry some mechanic and become some white trash house wife....i realise now im not your answer, but i think you know i was a hell of a good guy, and you were lucky to have found me, just like i was lucky to have found you, and you just lost someone who cared about you very much....and thats your decision, lets just hope it wasnt a rash one, and you can accept all that comes with it, because at this point, its far to late to ever attempt to recapture anything between us friendship or otherwise, but im sure you know that now dont you? dont be fooled ill be honest, in ways i hope you just lose it and overdose or slit your wrists, because really, i dont like you, but thats just anger, its not genuine, deep down, i wish i could kiss you again, tell you i love you, and apologize for not being the person you wanted....maybe your right and i am disgusting, and pathetic, in which case you are better right? just know that you said that, for no apparent reason, just to hurt me, i hope it makes you feel better. good luck renee, you deserve to be happy.
"goodbye, good luck, these are my famous last words......" Current Mood: amused
|Monday, June 7th, 2004|
|what happened to my paycheck?
i feel weird, i dunno why, just uneasy, like im doomed, not like in life just for the moment. its not very fun, and i highly reccomend you do not participate in such events. arg im bored, and im typing bland sentences on here, aint you lucky? you know i should write, hahahahahhaa, i suppose that would be too logical, i must find a distraction and pick at it, someone should remove my net capabilities and all shiny objects, then i shall be free from this eternal metropolitian buzzing which infiltrates my brain and commands me to slack....you know either that or ill just blame whoever gives me lip first.
|Sunday, May 23rd, 2004|
|waiting-the longest form of hello
waiting sucks. not that im impatient, or even that irritated at this point, its more something deeper. its not something words can really describe, which is suppose is helpful while writing this right? waiting is different now, i feel suck in mud, i see everything so clear, its crystal. the day of hellos and smiles across the room, and not the empty feeling like in a matter of days or hours, it wont be around anymore. people say well why wait around, you have your own life go out and be it, but thats the thing, over this time ive come realise that life involves someone else, and i just honestly am not interested in going out and living a life without them. so many times ive messed up relationships, because of selfish reasons, and i really dont want that to happen again. im doing my best to be patient, but each day, each nite i spend sitting around looking at a clock waiting for my cell phone to ring, or lying in bed with a cold pillow next to me, it just kills me, big steps are not my specialty, but i dont feel im at that stage, i feel that its natural. its like yeah im 23 almost 24, im young, but i also know that my life isnt so complicated, i have some amount of talent in different areas, that i can explore, but i feel like i have a writers block, but not in the normal sense, i feel like i have this huge thing holding me up, like i guess im so trepid about things coming together that i feel like if i were to push myself and create and just go down that road, that anything that would happen to screw with my state of mind or psyche would have such an adverse affect on me it would kill me. i dont want this to sound like i blame anyone for any of this, i understand the situation on both of our ends. i just wish i saw and ending to it, a step in the right direction, it felt for months it was coming to an end and it would all work out, and then it stops dead in its tracks, and starts spinning in circles, and thats very hard for me, im not the most confident person, so i start questioning who i am, what did i do, what can i do differently...and thats very hard to put on oneself. i dont want to rush into any situation either, but i dont feel scared, im hopeful, fucking optimistic even about things, its not some dillusion im putting myself in, its honesty. it just gets me so frustrated and torn up inside, because if i just could see something to put that hope back for me, i mean for months i was going on that endgame that date when things would come together and i wouldnt be dealing with this distance thing anymore, but now i have no date nothing to hope for, i mean i can hope for the best, but its an indefinate time frame and thats extremely difficult. i feel like im holding myself back, i dont know if its fear of losing this all, or if its fear that if i fail, i need that person to be with me to tell me its okay and we will get through it together....either way waiting is the hardest thing to do, but its the only way, i can just hope and pray that she finds her way, and that way leads to me, because i know my path leads to her. Current Mood: tired
|Friday, March 5th, 2004|
|that broken feeling
i hate today...this has been one of the worst days in my life...and i dont know what to do, some people push me away...and you know thats okay it really is to need time alone, but my god was this a bad day....sometimes you see only your point of view you only see your own hurt and pain, and thats a mistake you have to see others...if i would have known i would have tried to help or understand better, but i cant read minds, especially when im as screwed up as i am today...maybe it was selfish but i just wanted to have that person to grip on to the whole nite, to just tell me that without a doubt it will be okay...and they didnt do that, i hate this feeling inside, weather its frustration over a speeding ticket, or for putting my cat the only thing thats been there for me for the past really tough years in the hospital, or if its just from feeling like im a pariah..that i should just go away and never come back...that im better off alone without any connections to anyone...im frustrated with this feeling, i want to be happy thats it, but im not doing a very good job of it...i want to just love someone, but i never felt it would hurt this much or this often, i try to do the right things, but they always seem wrong, ill apologize for days to make it better, but somehow i dont think it ever is, i just want to be the good guy, but i always end up the asshole...i dont like that, i know i make mistakes everyone does, but its never out of malice, sometimes misunderstandings sometimes its just bad moods, but the love never goes away or fades it just gets stronger, thats why its so hard to be feeling this, this alone, this empty, this feeling like my world is collapsing and not a single thing is there, not atticus, not the girl...nothing...those were the two most important things to me, the two i could never do without, and now i dont have either....what have i done with my life? where did i go wrong? and how do i make it okay again?
|Thursday, February 12th, 2004|
|erm, warm coke isnt so good
eep, i dont remember when i updated this.....i could look but that would ruin this first sentence dontcha think? anyways, im utterly bored...staring at screens that flicker....i should write, i actually want to....yet i dont, i shall blame it on the evil butterfly wings laced into my hair for that one. thursday very much seems like friday, i dont know why particularly, just it feels like a comedown, which doesnt spell positive things for being at work tomorrow huh? anyways. im rambling yes yes yes i am, nothing new happens, it just perkilates (nice spelling) personally in a perfect world id be in my new place and the grrlb0t shall be by my side, but of course that would be good things, so i must suffer and wait and just go mad waiting...it just will be nice to create again, i feel like im stuck in a cage now, shaking the bars of the walls wanting out, but no one is hearing me, realising how much im deterorating, how much im losing by staying here, stuck in this place...sometimes you reach a point where you see your future, and you see your past, and yet your stuck in the middle, its very difficult, i wish i had the answers the right words, something to not seem melodramatic but it is difficult, with all the things going on, all i can think about is the future...which sets me up for disappointment, and personally i just dont know if i can take much more...i just want to be happy, for the first time in my life i dont care to be accepted or needed, or important, i just want to be happy, im happy writing, doing video, screwing around with music which i have no clue what im doing, im happy with Renee, holding her and having her next to me when i look over...its what i want, and its right there, just out of reach...one day i will have it, but for now i sit and write this..it means nothing, it evolves to nothing, when i click post nothing will change, but still each second i feel better, im closer to the future, and further away from the past, and sometimes nothing feels as good as knowing that.
** for sitting through that go here http://micro.magnet.fsu.edu/primer/java/scienceopticsu/powersof10/index.html
it will make you happy, well if your a geek like myself hehe** Current Mood: content
|Monday, February 2nd, 2004|
|theres days keep coming
i hate this day, the day that keeps happening, when i go to sleep and shes not there, when i wake up in the morning and shes gone. i know each day is a step closer, but its like cutting off a part of myself once shes gone, ive never felt so close to someone, yet i cant even see her all the time. a few weeks and it will all be over, things will be happy and this day will never come again...i just hate today for being the last of those days.
point is...i miss you, a lot....just let me close my eyes and when i wake up youll be next to me again, with your head on my shoulder and arm overtop of me...just never let go of me, im afraid ill get lost if you do
|Saturday, January 17th, 2004|
|ice cube pillows
hmm, no update in a while, but i was told to do so by the cutest girl in the world so i will....uhm horribly horribly stessful days, with the combination of working to get my apartment done so that me and the girl can finally get together, i had major issues with my DV camera which caused me to work on the fly with the TCR teaser...im not terribly happy about it, not that i think its total crap, just that i had a decent idea about what i was going to do, but sometimes that happens and you have to change plans and work the best way you can...hopefully i still can do the video and really make it wonderful, by the time that gets done it will be good, because renee will be here, ill have the apartment, and i can take the time to really make something from my head. aside from that, im okay, more than happy jubilant with my cherry blossom, every second i fall more and more in love with her, so happy i met her, shes really opened up a world to me that i really never felt i would get to, just waking up every morning and smiling about the way things are with her, its an amazing thing. anyways update woo...im tired and had a long day, so nothing charming or witty at all in here, a bit sad huh? Current Mood: drained
|Tuesday, November 25th, 2003|
|staring in awe out an airport window.....
amazing...its all i can really say for the past few days...ive never felt this way about anyone, all i can think of is you, all i can see is you, every thought is of us together...but yeah ill keep this short, because well some stuff is just left private, but in essance, i guess love does exsist, and sometimes someone can come along and squash all your fears, and insecurities, and you go with them to new worlds and new discoveries together...and when that person comes along, never let them go...i know i never will Current Mood: enthralled
|Saturday, November 22nd, 2003|
|Tuesday, November 18th, 2003|
some days we want to self-destruct...we want to impload everything good...and today was unfortunately that day, i said things that i know hurt someone very special to me, even if i was hurt and upset, i never ever mean to hurt her or make her shed a tear, and im sorry for that...and you know, despite all that, despite me being angry and hurt and expressing things in a less than constructive manner, to have that person, come to me, even when i had accepted things, and been willing to put away my feelings and let things go how they would, because i knew they would be back soon to me...to have them come to me in a completely unselfish manner, and not want to leave me tonite...my god thats special, i really am the luckiest guy in the world. i know i can be difficult and an asshole at time, but im in love this is special...ive never felt something like this before...and to have someone care about me that much, to even when she gets her way to give that up just to spend time with me means so damn much...im just in shock i guess, this is amazing, and she is amazing, i dont know what i did to deserve her, but i know i could never live another day without it.
On a different much less lovey note hehe, last nite was nice to get out and be slightly social, and it was nice to finally bug the sally after many many long years of hiding hehe, and of course it was uber fun to see jerica, less long in the waiting to meet her but still just as fun to bug hehe...even though i got that twinge of eep maybe im overstaying my welcome hehe but i was reassured so its all rosey in the land of matt...what more could a boy want? a really wonderful girl and an actually good encounter on the social front hehe, dont worry im sure something will come crashing into me soon hehe, damn that karma...well at least ill know that special girl will be there no matter when or where the crash occurs, and thats a wonderful feeling
|Sunday, November 9th, 2003|
|french delegates say yes to pasturization
uhm yeah that subject made sense...heh, eep, im so in crazy in love hahahhahahahahhahahahahhaa, see crazy..told ya...anyways, yeah im really happy, which i know is strange for me, so i guess that means if you need to hit me up for any favors now is the time to ask hah...just another month i can make it right? i mean i wont combust from adoration during that time...i have to make it, its fate....being in love really makes you take more time to think there may be some divine entity guiding us all, taking shots at us, making us miserable for years on end, just so when we do find the good one, we know it, it feels different, and it makes sense...im grateful every day for you, and if i have to thank some strange thing in the stars for guiding us together, then i thank them...i dont know what i ever did without you.. Current Mood: loved
|Sunday, November 2nd, 2003|
|Sunday, October 19th, 2003|
so whee, nothing more fun that a weekend filled with absolutlely nothing right? anyways, for some reason ive been feeling strange, not a bad thing, just very alone lately, which has given me time to reflect on different intereactions with people, and to tell you the truth, im happy to be alone, im amazed at the amount of shitty pathetic, completely horrible people ive been surrounding myself with lately. they are selfish, superficial, and above all else, stupid. i really dont have a clue how i ended up even in their company, i think more than anything, it was just when you get lonely, and people start talking, you just go with whoever seems most accessible, and right now im realising that. i feel gross for even associating with certain people, they never gave a shit about anyone except themselves, and would have sold me out in a second if a better opprotunity came around...i dont know why i put myself in those positions, just when i think ive grown past it, it happens again, i guess we all fail sometimes....i just wish i could have one constant to count on in life, to not have to restart from scratch so many times..it just is very hard to cope with, not that its impossible, its just hard to feel like theres not one interaction you have on a regular basis, that you know, well no matter what, that person will still be there to provide what they do. overall though, im kinda happy, im more angry than sad, i really dislike those people, the ones who hide behind alcohol and drug use to mask the fact they are so utterly miserable they cant cope with thier own life...the ones who flash thier tits to get attention, and think that means people are freinds...ugh, i feel dirty, i mush cleanse myself of thier dirt....
|Thursday, October 9th, 2003|
|oh my updates.....shudder to think
hmm update? no no nonononononon wheeeeee!!!!! yes, anyways, im in quite a good fake reality right now, granted in the past month two of the big three came around to be cunts and make my nites quite crappy, fortunately theyve been given the b00t. as for the other of the big three....uhm hey your guess is as good as mine, seemed cordial last conversation, sent an email up the shans way...but no response, oh well, cant win em all...fucking charm, its bitch when you grew up a certain way, a certain persona, and when you come into your own...all your intricacies, your artistic side and whatnot, but people dont bother to see it...they want to think of you as before, as a time past, as a person you used to be...granted im not a million times different than i was say five years ago...but i have grown up, ive made a nice little niche in my art fields, and im comfortable in my skin...i just feel sorry for everyone whos blown me by, or shortchanged me, based on either a first opinion, or an opinion formed long ago...so goodbye to the big three, ive tried, ive given up, ive taken more abuse...each and every one of you have filled a portion of me, the love of my life, the best friend who could never be more, and the movie starlet i could never hope to achieve...all of you should have given me a chance, and looked at me for now...not then, and to be honest, im better than that now...and youd be lucky to be with someone like me... in other more fun issues...im utterly giddy, i have no reason to be, no important fun fact, no new shiney clothes, no exponential knowledge gained...just amusement, sheer loss of any ability to be unhappy or sad, just raving lunacy at this point...its a mad world dolls time we got going with our tea party dont you think?
|Monday, September 15th, 2003|
|am i happy? sad? or just juxtaposing?
so yeah, i basically quit my job today. not exactly the most responsible thing to do, but i just got pushed too far. I am vastly underappreciated...not just in working, but in life. I am just taken for granted, no one ever thinks to take time to say wow you know hes a pretty neat guy, and i should really take time to understand that. No i guess mostly dipshits who are so damn stuck into their own trivial lives, im seen as abhoration, the strange little thread in the sweater. i dont see why im always on the outside looking in, why i have to try so hard just to get by, why it feels the moment something clicks, it shatters and i have to start all over again...you finally feel steady in a job in which your making progress, then it all goes to hell, you meet a girl you finally feel like your clicking with, just to find shes into some other guy..without really bothering with you...you think youve got a friend, till they stop talking to you for no apparent reason...grr im so fucking sick of it all, i give up, i give in, i forfeit my chance at a good life and my card in the human race, ill try going it alone..so far ive been ending up that way anyway.